so... this week i celebrate a 'milestone' birthday: thirty. i wasn't really feeling all that freaked out about it, but then i decided to google "turning thirty" and lo-and-behold one of the top things that comes up is a play. and it's about a guy turning thirty and getting cancer.

ugh.

i've always figured that if i don't end up being one of the unlucky ones (one in seven women) diagnosed with breast cancer, that it will be one of my closest friends (i even have a friend that's convinced it won't be me -- it'll be her). i wish somehow it could avoid my circle of friends, but i know it's not going to be the case. i guess time will tell.

three really sad things happened this week to people i care about, and even though none of them happened to me directly, they're weighing on me pretty hard. i suppose they illustrate the sort of thing that happens more often, i guess, as we get older.

first, my grandparents are moving into assisted living. this has been really hard on my mom, and her sisters and brothers. i wish i could say that we're all nostalgic about the loss of the family homestead and that my grandparents are doing fine, but the family homestead isn't anything to get nostalgic over, and the fact is that my grandparents aren't well enough to be there alone anymore. i know we're all going to go through this, so i'm not complaining -- it'd be much worse if it was my parents, and i know several friends who have already had to deal with that. for my family, this is the first that we have ever really had to deal with long-term illness, and it's hard to hear the wistfulness in my mom's voice as she realizes that her parents will probably never get better.

second, a friend of mine was expecting, and then some bad things happened and she wasn't. this is the second time in two years that i've had someone i care about go through this, and it haunts me. i'm not ready for that next lifestage yet (by any means! i'm guessing that a major move gives you at least two more years before you have to even evaluate moving on to the next step), but it really hit home that the whole process may not be made up of fun parts like the cute little version of you that are part of the whole process. who knows, maybe we're another one of those unlucky couples that tries *not* to have a baby for so long, and then when we try to have one, we find out that we couldn't have anyway. i can't even think about it. two more years, at least.

third, one of my best former-coworkers was let go by my former employer (his position was "eliminated"). of course, he and i both suspected that this day would eventually come, and i patted myself on the back for moving on when i did, but it was horribly sad to see it happen, since he's a really damn good and smart guy. what's probably equally sad is that my attitude about it was as blase as it was. i knew that company would f**k him. i have no institutional trust anymore. a friend (and mentor) of mine once told me that i need to always remember that i don't work for any particular company: i work for ME. i don't think anyone can accuse me of being unabashedly "hoo-rah" for any of my employers (my cynicism is too entrenched in my personality for that) but i've definitely let my admiration for my boss affect my attitude toward work in the past, and have been suckered in through personal loyalty to making poor employment decisions. and so, once again, this week i've decided (i seem to go through this "awakening" every few years: 1998, 2000, 2003) that although i can love my job (as i currently do) i really need to always be thinking about what *I* am taking away from it. i am the sum of my experiences, and that is my greatest asset.

that, of course, and *you* dear reader. :)

sorry to be so dang serious. i guess i'm getting old. soon i'll be writing only about my decaying anatomy and my forgetfulness. ha!

steve has directed me that i shouldn't be thinking about sad things, but should instead give shout outs. so here they are (and i'm not very good at this, so i'll just focus on people who have helped me out this past week):

1. shout out to danny; who is giving me a ride to party on friday
2. shout out to keenan and carrie; who are dealing with the logistics of coming all of the way from philly to see me for my birthday
3. shout out to steve; who puts up with all of my crap and was up in the middle of the night worrying about my shindig
4. shout out to ann; who talks me through tough times again and again
5. shout out to erin; who i can be girly with -- without feeling un-tough
6. shout out to dj jk; who is the best cube-mate ever and makes my workday oh-so-much-more-pleasant, even though he will probably never see this blog
7. shout out to my new friends in chicago, like the friend that i just directed to my blog last week in a fit of ridiculous new-friend-self-disclosure. you rock.
8. shout out to music; for its power to make you go "oh-my-god, that's exactly how i feel right now!" (see below)
9. shout out to *all* of my friends; who help guide the little sailboat that i am through the rough waters of life, for what little reward i can give them -- my endless, boundless affection

.......


"you don't like the sound of the truth
coming from my mouth
you say that i lack the proof
well, baby that might be so
i might get to the end of my life
find out everyone was lying
i don't think that i'm afraid anymore
say that i would rather die trying..."

-- from 'truth no. 2' by the dixie chicks (of all people)