my heart is so full tonight, and my head is swimming with emotions. i don't like to get too emotional on this here blog, because i know there are a few honest-to-god people that read this every now and then. on the other hand, i have used this as my personal journal for the past year and a half, and i'd be doing myself a great un-truth if i didn't write tonight to try to do some sort of justice to the feelings i'm dealing with right now...

my mom and i have struggled for years to understand each other, and, failing that, to get along. she has been a great scorekeeper of my faults, and of the ways that i have unintentionally hurt her. by her accounting, the pain i've inflicted has been great and intense.

that doesn't mean that our problems haven't hurt me too. i cried so hard tonight, on mother's day, that i can't think of a time in my life when i cried like this.

it aches to be someone that doesn't get along with her mother. it is incredibly sad, and even though i know -- in my head and in my heart -- that i have never intentionally done her wrong -- i feel like a big, fat failure.

if you're a girl that reads girly magazines, as i have been known to do, you have read articles by or interviews with celebrities. and sometimes you'll read about a celeb that is "estranged" from his or her parent(s). and i guess i've been judgmental, because i've always thought that there must be something wrong or evil or mean about a person who can't even be friends with their parent(s).

and now i've become that person.

i've always been a perfectionist, and i've had horrible self-esteem issues when i fail at things. i was the *worst* in my ballet class, and even though i took classes for a dozen years, when i finally gave up, it wasn't something i felt good about. it saved me a lot of time, but i considered myself a loser for quitting, when in reality i'm sure some of my lack of grace/poise/polish was innate or heriditary. i mean, i couldn't really blame myself that i had orthodics in my shoes and couldn't take pointe classes and cecchetti with the other girls! i don't know how i could have deluded myself that i could keep up without being able to do that, but i blamed myself anyhow.

and now i've failed in a much worse way. she told me on mother's day that even though she misses me, she doesn't want to hear from me or have me set foot in her house ever again.

...

i had tried to reach my mom several times today. she has caller ID and didn't pick up.

i finally got ahold of my grandma (my mother's mom) tonight. she is a saint, and she had been gone most of the day taking my grandpa to the hospital. she was in surprisingly high spirits, and was glad to talk with me. she was happy about the mother's day note that i sent her, and told me (without solicitation) that i should keep trying to make amends with my mom and that she was wishing and hoping that we could be friends.

and then my mom arrived at my grandma's place. my grandma had to practically beg to get her to talk with me on the phone. and when i capitulated to my mom's previous requests to apologize for past wrongs and seek counseling to help our relationship (something my rational self says doesn't make sense without her there), she still laid into me with a list of reasons why i'm a horrible person and then said it didn't matter if i did go to counseling since she doesn't want to hear from me or see me ever again.

it was at that point that i hung up the phone.

i am grateful for my grandmas, my mother-in-law, my fairy godmother, my good friends, my dad and brother, and my wonderful steve. i will continue to try to figure out how i could have failed so horribly at being the daughter that my mother wants. and since i don't think i can figure out any more tonight while sitting at the computer, i will now try a change of venue and take a bath to cry and think about it.